The Do-It-Yourself Car Wash: It's Humiliation Attached To A High-Powered Vacuum, Complete With Water In The Face!

1) My car smelled like six-year-old Marlboro smoke, fiberglass insulation, hot sand and standing water. The dust layer was so thick on the inside of the windshield that when the sun was just right I kept almost hitting people in front of the Safeway. I had become entombed in dust, and strangers pushing carts shouldn't have to die (or fall down hard) because of it. It was time. And since I was particularly quarter rich this morning, I decided that I would treat the Nissan to a spa day.

2) I should have cleaned the interior out at home, probably. Anybody else carry around a locked metal box full of diaries from when they were ten? Or three umbrellas? IN ARIZONA? And a bottle of conditioner exploded in the back seat. I didn't know that was back there. Pretty happy about it, though. A big puddle of congealed conditioner isn't ghetto at all. I never thought I'd be the girl who has to say, "Oh, wait! Let me LAY SOMETHING DOWN FIRST."

3) Let's talk about the vacuum.

Ask me how many times I got tangled in the vacuum hose.

Ask me how many times I tripped over the vacuum hose and fell down.

Ask me how many times I sucked my own hair into the vacuum.

Ask me how many pennies the vacuum sucked up and then made horrible loud retching sounds about.

Okay. I'm done talking about it now.

4) There was a guy next to me who had those fake bullethole stickers all over the side of his car. HA! HA! NO HE DIDN'T! He had REAL bulletholes all over the side of his car! I went from eye-rolling condescension to eyes-down minding my own beeswax in 2.2 seconds. When the water was dribbling out of those holes I kept expecting to see internal car parts slipping through... a tiny bolt, maybe some oil. Cars aren't human, though, so when you shoot them they don't crouch over and cry or demand to get taken to the emergency room or faint or scream that they're not ready to die. Although this car did seem to favor it's other quarterpanel a little. In a badass way. And it had a teardrop tattooed just under it's left headlight. So I'd hate to see the other car.

5) Yeah, I got pretty wet.

6) Hey, but I didn't spray under the hood this time, so I shouldn't have any $570 electrical "what the fuck did you do" issues like I did LAST time. You know. Fool me once.

7) I felt pretty stupid wiping ArmourAll on my multi-cracked dash. The car was polite though, and didn't scream "how 'bout a little bit of that, like, FOUR YEARS AGO???" the way I worried that it might. I think that was nice. That the car could be the bigger person.

8) And the whole thing only cost me $83.25! I'm so glad I didn't let somebody else do it for $15! Then I might not have gotten wet, hurt and scared! And I'd have TWO WHOLE HOURS to fill! Good decision!

9) I got a library overdue notice, an outstanding parking ticket and my student loan interest bill in the mail today. I rock.