Happy Holidays, everybody!

This holiday season, my office is different from every other office in America in that we've decided to-- get this-- collect food and necessities for the less fortunate. It's an astounding concept, I know. Luckily I work with philanthropic, creative genius, "think outside the parallel lines" kind of people. So while you and your office folk are sitting around shredding cash and denting canned goods, we're making shit happen.

That's a big box, people. And it's almost one-fifth full. It's only been sitting in the breakroom for three weeks... Imagine the wounds we could salve if we let it sit there for seven or eight years!

Oh yes. That's right. Benadryl. And Zantac. Those are vendor display size, bitch, and they're bigger than any pussy "stomach pumpable overdose" size they sell at Costco. In addition to the do-it-yourself meth lab, please note the marshmallow-flavored microwave popcorn. Does the church still appoint saints? Because goddamn.

I know you can't tell what the thirty million tiny tubes are full of, but I'm happy to report that it's none other than Gold Bond Powder Lotion. And it's SPF 15, as if you needed that additional kick in the face. Anyone with a sample-sized body part that's both itchy AND burn prone? Oh, you can get up off your knees, my friend. (There used to be five cans of edible food in the bottom of the box, but we had a pot luck hit a bean snag.)

Not JUST Chapstick... that's the MOISTURIZING FORMULA! My original intention here was to take a picture of the broken multi-pack from which someone had snagged some tubes, but unfortunately by the time I got there that particular pack had just been stolen in its entirety. Moisturizing, though. It's hard to throw stones.

In other news, I won the office Chili Cookoff today. And with the nineteen dollars and seventy-six cents that I won from the "Angel Tree" pool, I treated myself to an okay bottle of wine.