Whump.

Yeah, I don’t know where I’ve been, either. I’ve been trying to tally it up, straining to come up with something time consuming and impressive, but mainly I’ve been watching 16-year-old girls do their hair on YouTube and avoiding certified mail.

I’m pretty sure our heater exploded a few minutes ago—it made a hard to ignore “whump” noise and went cold. The cable went out at the same time, too, so I have no fucking idea what that means. Maybe the Direct TV satellite careened out of orbit and crashed into my garage? I don’t know. Needless to say I’ve got two very different yet oddly related phone calls to make. I should also stick my head out there and see if anything is on fire. If the mailman is out there waiting for me I'm going to be pissed.